13 things you should know before traveling overnight by Indian railway:

                             

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Coimbatore to Mumbai: Lokmanya Tilak Express
  1. Don’t follow the herd at the station, everyone only knows which platform the train is arriving at after it has arrived.

  2. You will discover a whole new avenue of boredom-eating (and the olfactory-tantalizing aroma of samosas sold almost perpetually doesn’t help).

  3. Wear pants the waistbands of which can be loosened.

  4. Your mother will develop a sudden and unprecedented interest in your Kindle just when you reach the part where King Theoden dies in The Lord of the Rings (Oops. Spoiler alert.)

  5. People will always ask, “Papa kidar hai?” When they see a mother-daughter duo traveling alone.

  6. Don’t scream at the sight of that small, dark shape between your luggage under the seat, it’s probably just the boy-next-door’s runaway sneaker. Probably.

  7. Butt aches are inevitable.

  8. The travelers in your coach will be in a covert contest to see who can snore the loudest.

  9. Ergo, you are likely to dream of dying elephants, before waking in the middle of the night to find it was your cochlear nerve that was dying.

  10. Reading into the night has a whole different appeal to it… solitude in a tube full of sleeping people gives one an odd sense of solace.

  11. Despite being advised against the same, use the restroom at stations (or halts) to avoid peeing on your shoes.

  12. A two-tier A/C coach is usually monopolized by old people, and a 3 tier coach by screaming children.

  13. Scratch that. The screaming children reign EVERYWHERE.

    IMG_20160530_090526587
    Ek rail safar ki baat: Berth of boredom
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Posted in Holiday

The Big Bum Theory

13 things you should know before leaving for a holiday in Maldives, to ensure you’re not an ignorant bum:

  • Shop enough prior to departure, lest you find yourself chopping up perfectly good pairs of jeans into hot shorts (to mummyji’s horror) the night before your flight.
  • If you think Mumbai is hot and humid, boy, will Maldives surprise you.
  • Butts are susceptible to looking incredibly huge in swimsuit candids. (‘The Big Bum Theory’ as my dad insists on calling it)
  • Do not freak out when you look in the mirror after a day in the ocean. (Yes, it’s your own hair on your head, not a wad of seaweed, and the bloodshot eyes aren’t conjunctivitis, but merely the effect of saltwater).
  • Take your camera to the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet, and a can of air freshener to the bathroom the next morning.
  • Never go canoeing against the direction of the ocean currents.
  • On second thoughts, do exactly that. Having to get towed away by Maldivian Water Rescue is more fun than you may think.
  • Ladies, don’t be afraid to use tampons. No, you DO NOT lose your virginity to the insertion of one into your lady parts!
  • Avoid falling off the Jet Ski if you seek to impress the hot instructor guy, because having to clamber back onto the watercraft will certify you the queen of Klutzville.
  • Avoid contact with any Unidentified Floating Objects in the ocean; what looks like an undulating piece of cloth from afar is probably a sting ray.
  • Waking at the crack of dawn will never be more rewarding; the orange tint of the incandescent sky is enough to put even Trump’s complexion to shame.
  • There is no such thing as having a stay ‘long-enough’ in Maldives. Leaving hurts. Period.

And finally,

  • SUNSCREEN DOESN’T WORK. Given the Melanin content of the typical Indian’s skin, expect to return looking like a misshapen sculpture carved out of cinders. Ergo, brace yourself for the inevitable ‘Hai beta, kitni kali ho gayi hai!’ from the concerned aunties in the block.