13 things you should know before leaving for a holiday in Maldives, to ensure you’re not an ignorant bum:
- Shop enough prior to departure, lest you find yourself chopping up perfectly good pairs of jeans into hot shorts (to mummyji’s horror) the night before your flight.
- If you think Mumbai is hot and humid, boy, will Maldives surprise you.
- Butts are susceptible to looking incredibly huge in swimsuit candids. (‘The Big Bum Theory’ as my dad insists on calling it)
- Do not freak out when you look in the mirror after a day in the ocean. (Yes, it’s your own hair on your head, not a wad of seaweed, and the bloodshot eyes aren’t conjunctivitis, but merely the effect of saltwater).
- Take your camera to the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet, and a can of air freshener to the bathroom the next morning.
- Never go canoeing against the direction of the ocean currents.
- On second thoughts, do exactly that. Having to get towed away by Maldivian Water Rescue is more fun than you may think.
- Ladies, don’t be afraid to use tampons. No, you DO NOT lose your virginity to the insertion of one into your lady parts!
- Avoid falling off the Jet Ski if you seek to impress the hot instructor guy, because having to clamber back onto the watercraft will certify you the queen of Klutzville.
- Avoid contact with any Unidentified Floating Objects in the ocean; what looks like an undulating piece of cloth from afar is probably a sting ray.
- Waking at the crack of dawn will never be more rewarding; the orange tint of the incandescent sky is enough to put even Trump’s complexion to shame.
- There is no such thing as having a stay ‘long-enough’ in Maldives. Leaving hurts. Period.
- SUNSCREEN DOESN’T WORK. Given the Melanin content of the typical Indian’s skin, expect to return looking like a misshapen sculpture carved out of cinders. Ergo, brace yourself for the inevitable ‘Hai beta, kitni kali ho gayi hai!’ from the concerned aunties in the block.